But How Are You?
by DAgron01
Summary: AU Octavia reluctantly joins a Gay-Straight Alliance at her High School because her annoying big brother won't stop bugging her. The plus, however, is that her crush is the president of the club. Sure, she knows nothing about Clarke but that doesn't mean she won't try to find something out.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

I've noticed her before, though I tried not to acknowledge it to myself. She's blonde, smart, and from what I can tell, she's pretty popular.

"Why don't you try talking to her?" Jasper asked and startled me out of my thoughts.

I glanced at her once more before turning my attention to my locker. Yes, I pointedly ignored him and he knew it.

"You'll appear like less of a crazy stalker, if you said 'Hello' once or twice." He continued on, undeterred.

I grabbed my Calculus book and slammed the door shut. "I'm not even…" I looked around us to make sure no one was listening, " _gay_ " I whispered.

"I never said you were." He pushed off the locker and started walking, so I followed him.

I sighed loudly. "Well, Bellamy seems to. He keeps leaving GSA stuff in my bedroom."

"GSA?"

"Gay-Straight Alliance. It's a club." The more I thought about my brother, the more annoyed I got. "He's been acting so weird lately."

"Who?"

"Belle. He's acting all…. _nice._ "

I heard Jasper chuckle beside me and cracked a grin myself. It's true, Bellamy is many things but nice has never really been one of them. Sure, he's usually great with me. But two weeks ago, he caught me making out with a girl from my Lit class and freaked out on me. It wasn't long after that, he started putting those pamphlets in my bedroom. I haven't figured out if he's trying to be supportive or trying to piss me off. Probably a bit of both, I suppose.

"How so?"

I rolled my eyes at Jasper's question as I thought about my most recent conversation with Bellamy. "Well, just this morning he wanted to talk about feelings."

Jasper laughed loudly at that. "As if either of you have feelings."

"Hey!" I shoved him into a locker and stormed away. I don't know why I was so upset, he picks on me all the time. But somehow, this time it stung.

xxxxx

I sat in my bedroom doing my homework while my mind was wandering back to this morning with Bellamy. He had actually tried to apologize for over-reacting to my kissing a girl, and then asked me if I wanted to talk about it. At the time, I didn't. I still didn't, not with him. But I wish I did have someone to walk me through these...feelings.

I glanced in the trash beside my desk, where I had thrown away the GSA pamphlets. I rolled my eyes at myself as I reached down and picked up the top one. I couldn't help the smile that made its way across my face at the thought of my big brother looking after me in his own way.

As I scanned the club meeting times, and I saw that there was one after school tomorrow. Before deciding one way or another, I went to throw it away again. Something stopped me though, it was _her_ name.

Clarke Griffin, my not-really-but-probably-most-likely girl crush, was the president of the club.

And just like that, my decision was made for me.

xxxxxx

I had to lie to Bellemy about the reason for not needing a ride after school. There was no way in Hell I was going to admit that I accepted his invitation or needed his help.

I slowly made my way into the semi-empty classroom, but caught sight of the bluest eyes I have ever seen. I stared dumbfounded at her for a minute before she started walking my way. Her smile was mesmerizing. That thought made me gag a little; after all, what kind of sap have I turned into?

"Hi, my name is Clarke. I'm so glad you made it."

She held out her hand in a friendly gesture, but all I did was grunt in return. I cursed myself, and then Clarke started to laugh.

"I didn't expect a girl that looked like you to use words as crass as that." She said with a smile and my mouth dropped open.

"I didn't mean to say that out loud." I admitted and knew I was blushing.

Her smile turned into a smirk. "I don't think that makes it any better."

"I suppose you're right."

She glanced around the rapidly filling room. "Well, I should go mingle. But I am glad you're here."

As she walked away, I finally got my bearings again and blurted out. "Octavia!"

She stopped walking and glanced back at me questioningly.

"My name is Octavia." I admitted quietly before biting my lip at her adorable grin.

"I know." She replied simply and walked away again.

I was surprised by how many people were part of the club. I thought it was a testament to Clarke's popularity, but soon realized I was wrong. Sure, there were several straight people in the club; allies is what Clarke calls them. But the rest were….not straight. I never knew there were so many words to describe how a person loves, it made me feel a little better about myself. A little less alone. Many, I learned, were questioning. They didn't know where they belonged on the spectrum and they didn't have a label. I learned that you don't have to.

I also learned that Clarke was bisexual. And for some reason, the knowledge that she wasn't straight made me happy. If I let myself think about it, I knew that it was a great indicator that this club was the perfect place for me. And if I let myself admit to that, then I would have to thank Bellamy for his passive-aggressive assertiveness. Yeah, that won't happen any time soon.

I think I could be pretty good friends with some of these people. But Clarke was still the one who kept my attention. I listened as she asked for volunteers for a fundraising event they had been planning, and I'm not sure but I think I raised my hand. Which is fine. I watched as she mingled with her friends, and instantly wished I was one of them.

"You're the Blake girl, right?"

A girl sat beside me and stared at me awaiting my answer. Lexa, I think that's how she introduced herself to the group earlier this afternoon. I simply nodded by way of answering. When she didn't respond right away, I assumed that she had left. I was wrong.

"I don't know what it is she wants from me."

I pulled my eyes away from Clarke to look at the girl beside me. "I don't know what you're talking about?"

She rolled her eyes and nodded toward Clarke. "I joined this stupid club for her and she still won't give me the time of day."

I frowned. "Well, maybe it's because you called this a stupid club." I tried to hold her intense gaze but had to look away.

"Who asked you anyway." She said before she stood up and walked away.

"You did." I mumbled to myself before trying to find Clarke again. But she wasn't where I last saw her.

Someone sitting down beside me again startled me and I figured it was that obnoxious ass from earlier. "Look if you don't want to hear my opinion, then don't ask me for it." I spat out.

"Woah, I'm sorry."

Fuck, it was Clarke. I winced before looking at her sheepishly. "I thought you were someone else."

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Let me guess. Talk, dark and broody?"

That sort of did describe Lexa quite well, so I nodded. "A friend of yours?"

She looked at me strangely. "You could say that."

"Charming."

She chuckled at that and I smiled along with her.

"So, did you get anything out of the meeting?" She asked me seriously.

I shrugged and tried to appear nonchalant. She saw right through it and shoved me playfully.

"No, really, I'm glad I came. It was really….enlightening." I told her honestly.

"How so?"

I played with my fingers as I spoke to her quietly. "I kissed a girl a couple of weeks ago. And my brother caught me." I glanced back at her to make sure he was listening, of course she was. "Before I could even figure out what it meant. If I liked her or if I was just, you know, confused. Before I even had a chance to decide if I liked the kiss, I was being yelled at by him. He promised he wouldn't tell our parents, and he hasn't. But I guess, I just wanted my brother to still love me either way."

Clarke was looking at me intensely and it looked like she wanted to say something, but I shook my head because I needed to get this out. She bit her lip and nodded for me to continue.

"I've been so concerned with letting him down. Of letting my parents down. That I never thought about what it meant for me. Maybe I don't especially like that girl….but maybe I do." I squeezed my eyes shut. "Like girls, I mean."

I felt her hand on my arm, her thumb rubbed soft circles that brought goosebumps to my skin. I prayed she didn't noticed, but I still opened my eyes to look at her. She waited patiently for me to finish, but I already had. I let her know as much.

She took a deep breath, and squeezed my arm a little tighter. "You don't have to have all the answers right away. Or ever, really."

She patted my arm softly before pulling away, but not before locking eyes with me. "As for your brother, talk to him. Maybe he'll surprise you."

I laughed humorlessly at that, which caused her to narrow her eyes as if to question me.

"I think I know him a little better than you do." I told her.

She blew out a big breath, but said nothing in response, so we sat in silence for a few minutes. Then she stood up. "It's getting late. Do you need a ride home?"

I wanted to say 'No.' I actually meant to. But that isn't what came out.

"Yes."

She walked out of the room, and I had to jog to catch up with her.

The car ride was mostly in silence, until I couldn't bear it. "I want you to know that I love my brother, and I know he loves me. I didn't mean to make you think that we don't get along. He's actually my best friend." I paused. "Wow, that makes me sound really lame."

She shook her head. "Actually, I think it sounds great. I admire your relationship with your brother."

I didn't know what to say to that. So I didn't say anything.

xxxxxx

I thanked her for the ride and walked inside my house. Bellamy was waiting for me.

"Was that Clarke?"

I nodded absent-mindedly.

"Wonder why she didn't come in?" He mumbled but it made me wonder what he meant.

"I didn't know you knew her."

He looked at me for a minute or so. "I didn't know you knew her."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay Mister Subtle. I went to the GSA club meeting just like you wanted."

He looked almost….relieved. "And did you two talk?"

"Yes?" I replied hesitantly.

"And?" He seemed too interested for my liking.

"What is your deal, Belle?"

He threw up his arms in defense. "I was just asking. Making sure you're okay. Are you okay?"

"What do you care?"

His eyes widened. "I do care." He stepped toward me and hugged me tightly. "I know I didn't handle things well before, but I just didn't understand. That's why I asked Clarke to…."

I stiffened. "You asked Clarke to what?"

He pulled away, probably in fear of my tone. "She tutors me in Physics and I mean, she's gay."

"Bisexual, actually."

"Right. She told me that too, but I haven't seen her ever date anyone besides Lexa so I always assumed, which she told me is never the thing to do." He shook his head and seemed to regain his thoughts. "Anyway, I asked her about how to better understand you...and your….you know."

I rolled my eyes at him, because I knew what he meant. But my mind was reeling about so many things. First and foremost, Clarke knew about me. The more I replayed our first interaction, it made sense. She did say she knew my name when I shouted it to her. And she did say that she knew Bellamy cared about me. She thought I knew about her involvement in the whole thing. She assumed that Belle had finally convinced me to talk to her.

I'm such an idiot. Of course she was nice to me. She was doing a favor for Bellamy. Then there was the whole Lexa thing. The other girl's obnoxiousness made a little more sense now. Either they were together and fighting, or they had recently broken up. Either way, everything I had just learned about Clarke suddenly made me feel ill. And so completely betrayed. But why?

"Thanks for trying to help." I told him sincerely, even though my heart ached. "It actually did, in a way. So you can stop leaving those lame pamphlets in my room."

"Huh?"

I ignored his question, and excused myself. I needed to fully process everything. From the kiss two weeks ago to the revelation about Clarke and Bellamy's whatever they had going on. I don't think I had anything figured out by the time my mind finally gave up on me that night and sleep overtook me.

xxxxxx

I woke up that morning still feeling hurt and extremely angry. Which is why I tracked Clarke down at her locker and shoved her against it loudly.

"What the Hell, Octavia?!"

"Why? Why did you do it?"

Her face betrayed her sadness. I couldn't stay angry at her when she looked like I killed her puppy.

"Why did I want to help you?" She lowered her voice. "Because not long ago, I was you."

I stepped away from her, but she had yet to relax. "Tell me everything."

"I've been tutoring your brother for awhile now, but a week or so ago he seemed so lost. So...conflicted." She grabbed my elbow and led me into a vacant classroom. "He told me that he screwed up with you, that he knew you were probably struggling with things and he just made them worse. He wanted to learn about how to be supportive, to be an ally. I even dragged him to a club meeting once. But he could see you hurting and didn't know what to do. So I told him I'd help."

I studied her face carefully and instinctually could tell she was telling the truth. So I nodded for her to continue. She did.

"We had never talked, in fact, I was pretty sure you didn't have a clue who I was."

She was wrong, of course. About me not knowing her. But I didn't tell her that.

"I'm sorry I invaded your personal space, but I had no idea how else to help unless you came to me."

She looked at me as if that explained it all, but I was completely confused. "What are you talking about? What personal space?"

She chewed on her lip and I don't think I'd ever found her so attractive.

"I may have left some GSA pamphlets in your bedroom."

I was shocked. I didn't know that she was the one who left them.

"You?"

"Bellamy had nothing to do with it, I swear. I just figured that you would approach me, when you were ready. That you would be more comfortable talking then. That was the only way I could think to help you."

My stomach turned. Yes, she hadn't meant to hurt me. But the idea of her pitying me disgusted me. I am not weak. I do not need her or Bellamy or anyone fighting my battles for me.

"I'll bet you and my brother had a really great laugh when you told him that I showed up to the meeting." My eyes widened. "If you told him what I told you about how much he means to me...I swear I'll…"

"I didn't." She whispered. Then she cleared her throat and stared at me with pleading eyes. "Everything you said, or ever will say, will stay between us. I swear I just wanted to help you."

"I don't need help." I growled and she smiled at me.

"Of course you don't. But maybe, if you wanted, we could be friends. I know I could use another one."

Like Miss Popular needed more friends. Although, I wasn't about to let her offer go without agreeing to it.

"I guess. It's the least I can do." I tried to appear cocky, but I'm sure she saw right through it.

xxxxxx

Being friends with Clarke was definitely better than being a creepy stalker. Clarke was funnier than I thought she'd be. She also had a cocky confidence that I admired, and might have tried to emulate. Plus she was kind. I wasn't used to that kind of genuineness. It was a nice change. And when she was around, even Bellamy was kinder. I liked that too. But mostly, I liked how I was better when she was around.

Bellamy, Jasper, Clarke and I were all laughing while eating pizza. This had become a usual Friday occurrence. Sometimes others would join us. But usually it was the four of us, sometimes just three of us when Jasper didn't make it.

"You didn't!" Clarke was still laughing as she took a sip of her soda.

"I swear, it's true! Ask O." Jasper replied.

I nodded solemnly and Clarke descended even deeper into laughter. It was refreshing to see. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I noticed her. Not creepy stalker notice, but just notice. When she's at lunch with her friends and her eyes wandered as if remembering something that still troubles her. Or sometimes, when she's tutoring Bellamy and he's immersed in the problem at hand while her mind seemed a thousand miles away. In those moments, when no one else noticed, I wondered what it is that still haunted her.

But it's moments like this one that I treasured the most. Because, even if it's only for a minute or two, I enjoyed seeing her happy. Truly at peace.

"Earth to Octavia?" Bellamy said as he waved his hand in front of my face.

I shoved him away harshly and he snickered in return. I rolled my eyes at him, but smiled anyway. I loved him and after my talk with Clarke, he and I got even closer. I have to remember to thank her someday.

"I'm gonna grab some more to drink, anyone want anything?" Clarke said as she stood up from the couch.

"I'll help." I said far too eagerly as I followed behind her.

She stopped as soon as we got to the kitchen and turned to face me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, you just seem...off. Do you not want to hang out tonight, I'm sure I can pull Jasper away from the Xbox and we could let you have some space."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. Really." I hesitated before I decided to go with it. "Are you?"

Her mouth dropped open before she shut it quickly. "Am I okay?" She sighed loudly before hopping up on the kitchen counter.

I sat beside her but remained silent.

"No one else ever asked me that." She admitted quietly as she rubbed her hands on her thighs. "Not when my dad was killed or when my mom took two jobs to stay out of the house that reminded her of him." She looked at me quickly before her eyes focused on something in front of her. "Not when I fell in love with a girl and had my heartbroken by the same girl. Not when my newfound sexual orientation conflicted with my faith or when my best friend, Finn….died."

I took it all in silently, but my heart was racing. How could no one notice how broken she was? How absolutely unraveled she became because she cared too much about too many things. She helped so many people, but not once did they return the favor. Not once did someone consider the toll it took on her. "You try to save everyone." I whispered gently, my hand finding hers. "But who will save you?"

I heard the sharp intake of breath, but I didn't know if it was hers or mine.

She pulled her hand away from mine and hopped down from the counter. "I did tell you once, that I needed a friend."

I stared at the back of her head because she wouldn't face me. "Yes, but here I thought it was because you were trying to be my own personal cheerleader." I got off the counter and walked around to face her. "But now that I know you do need me, well, how can I deny my services?"

I wiggled my eyebrows for effect and was rewarded with a smile.

"You're more of an ass than your brother is."

"I take that as a compliment actually."

She eyed me suspiciously.

"Seriously, that is hard to do. So I take pride in the fact that I actually did it."

She chuckled as she walked away. I grabbed us both another soda before I went back into the living room. I handed her one of the cans and she thanked me with a genuine smile.

xxxxxx

Clarke and I had begun texting more often since that day of confessions. I actually really wanted to be a good friend to her. She needed me and I refused to let her down. It started out with random messages about historical facts (on her part) and useless pop culture trivia (my contribution).

But a week ago, our messages became less playful and more serious.

 _Clarke: Today's the 3 year anniversary._

 _Clarke: When dad died._

 _Octavia: What happened to him?_

 _Clarke: He got caught in a robbery at the gas station in town. He saved a life….but lost his own._

 _Octavia: I'm sorry, Clarke_

 _Octavia: But now we know where you got your hero complex._

 _Clarke: Ha Ha_

 _Clarke: Thank you_

 _Octavia: For what?_

 _Clarke: Not pitying me_

 _Octavia: You're the bravest and strongest person I know, how could I pity you?_

 _Clarke: You'd be surprised_

 _Octavia: By you? Always_

 _Clarke: Tell me about your parents._

 _Octavia: Not much to tell. Dad split because he couldn't handle being a dad_

 _Octavia: And Mom couldn't handle much alone so she went from guy to guy until one stuck._

 _Octavia: He's okay, as far as guys go. Mom loves him. Mostly it's just me and Belle though. Always has been just the two of us._

 _Clarke: You're lucky you have him._

 _Octavia: And now you have both of us. So you're not alone either._

The messages became more frequent after that. I learned that she was an artist, or tried to be. That she had the best grades in school without ever having to study for any of her classes. I also learned that she was chosen to lead the GSA but hates being a leader. She didn't want to be responsible for so many people. She didn't realize what she meant to that club. To me. And she probably never will.

And I told her all the things I was trying to figure out. I told her that I knew I was into girls even though I wasn't interested in the girl from my Lit class. I told her that I also knew I liked boys, because I always had a crush on this kid, Lincoln, who lived down the street from us. I told her that I hoped to matter to people the way that she mattered to people. I told her that I wished I had a better relationship with my mother, and that I was ready to forgive my father. I told her everything about me, except how I had started to fall for her.

xxxxx

"You're friends with Clarke, right?"

Lexa approached me after a GSA meeting. She'd been going to them from time to time ever since that first day. I figured she was still trying to get on Clarke's good side, and wondered how it was that she had broken Clarke's heart to begin with.

"And you're her ex." I replied harshly.

Her eyes caught mine and this time I didn't look away. "She told you about me."

"Truthfully, she never mentioned you."

A look akin to heartbreak passed through her eyes.

"Leave her alone, Lexa." Clarke's voice surrounded us.

Lexa, to her credit, backed away and raised her hands in surrender. "Don't worry, I didn't hurt her."

"As if you could...:" I stepped toward her but the look that Clarke shot me kept me from finishing my sentence.

"Why are you here, Lexa? You don't care about this club. You said it was useless to include allies."

Lexa glanced at me as if to ask me to leave, but that wasn't about to happen.

"I still do." She directed her attention toward Clarke. "But you know I would do anything for you."

Clarke's laughter pierced through my heart, because I alone knew how fake it was. Perhaps though, Lexa realized it as well.

"Anything, huh?" Clarke's eyes turned colder than I had ever seen them. "I guess _anything_ doesn't include comforting me while I was grieving over my dad."

"Clarke…" Lexa reached toward her, but Clarke stepped back and shoved her hand away.

"You don't get to act like you care now."

"That isn't fair."

"Fair?" I bit out.

"O." Clarke warned and I nodded but kept my defensive posture as I studied Lexa.

"I would like to talk about this more...sometime." Lexa said as she looked at me, then she walked passed us.

"You were always good at leaving." Clarke muttered disdainfully, and Lexa even stuttered in her steps before she continued out of sight.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

I knew she didn't want to, but I couldn't let it go.

"So...that was the first love that broke your heart."

"Octavia…" She warned but of course I remained tactless, as usual.

"You hate appearing vulnerable because you think people will walk away from you like that idiot did." I made sure to catch her gaze. "I asked you once, how you were. And you never answered me. I'm asking again."

She was quiet, but maintained eye contact with me.

"I want to know." I touched her shoulder. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Tears formed in her eyes and she rapidly blinked them away. "I will answer your question, if you answer one of mine."

"Of course, always the negotiator." I smiled at her warmly. "I'm an open book, what do you want to know."

She glared at me. "An open book, right."

"I am!"

"You are the most complicated person I've ever met. We've been friends for awhile now and I still haven't figured you out."

I was confused. She knew me more than anyone, aside from my brother. Actually, she might understand me more than even he does. If there was anything she wanted to know, all she'd have to do was ask. I'd tell her anything.

"And you're changing the subject." I told her instead.

She smirked a little. "Like I said, confusing."

I crossed my arms over my chest and tapped my foot impatiently. Of course, it was for show, but it was fun to play on her nerves sometimes. "I'm waiting."

"Me too." She breathed out. Then she inhaled a slow, deep breath and her eyes hardened. "I am doing better than I have in a long time. But far from perfect."

"Perfect is overrated."

She smiled at that, and it was one of sincerity. "Anyway...I still feel like a fraud a lot of the time. Especially to people who follow me. How can I lead anyone when I have no clue where the Hell I'm going?"

"I think it was you who told me that we don't need all the answers, or any of them."

"I said that because I have no answers."

"You don't have to have them to help people. You helped me."

She furrowed her brows and stared at me strangely. "No, I didn't."

"What? Yes, you did. More than you'll ever know."

"Okay." She said, but sounded unsure.

"Really. I plan on coming out to my parents soon, and I have a better relationship with Bellamy now. And I understand myself and I even sort of like myself. I'm getting there, anyway." I stepped closer to her. "And that's all because of you."

"If I told you that I helped people because it made me feel better...made me feel less...I don't know…less…." She ran her hands through her hair. "I couldn't save my Dad, but if I save other people. If I can help them...then sometimes I miss him less. Like he's proud of me."

I let her words wash over me and if they destroyed me, I couldn't comprehend how she struggled through this.

"My dad died, and my mom would rather work than look at me. I think it's because of who I am...what I am. And I worry, about being enough. For her, for anyone. So if I can help one person feel less like me….and more….I don't know….better. If I can do that, then I feel like I matter. That maybe I don't deserve to be so alone. That I won't stay so broken."

She was crying at this point, and sometime during her speech we both ended up on the floor. I held her tightly and we both shook as we cried together. She cried for the loss of her father and her shattered self-esteem. I cried because in my own way, I knew I had been just as broken. She thought she needed me, but the truth was I needed her just as fiercely.

I don't know how long we stayed there, holding each other. But part of me never wanted it to end. And I needed her to know that.

I kissed the top of her head and whispered in her ear. "Just so you know, I'm not going anywhere."

Her laughter was strangled and tainted with sadness. "We kind of have to go, it's getting late."

I bumped my knee against hers. "You know what I meant."

"I do, and thank you."

"And just so you know. We're all a little broken." I tangled my fingers through hers. "But that doesn't mean we can't be...mended."

I watched as her eyes dropped to our entwined fingers.

"You're not as badass as you try to be." She told me matter-of-factly.

Usually if someone tries to comment about my appearance (lots of black and just as much leather) or the fact that I prefer motorcycles to any other mode of transportation or, more specifically, calls me out on being a softly then I tend to get pissed off and seek to prove myself. But with Clarke, it's different. With Clarke, I appreciate the way she sees me. Through everything, she sees _me._

xxxxx

It went better than expected with my parents, especially since Bellamy had my back. It felt nice to be able truly be myself, even though I still was trying to figure out what that meant.

"You and Clarke seem pretty close." Bellamy commented after dinner, when we were alone.

"Well, yeah, she's my best friend."

He feigned hurt. "I thought I was your best friend."

"Oh, come on, even I'm not that lame."

"So, since you and Clarke are just friends...you wouldn't mind me asking her out?"

My mouth hung open as I stared at him.

His boisterous laughter cut through my thoughts of maiming him in his sleep.

"The look on your face just then." He shook his head and continued to laugh. "Sure….just friends my ass."

"Look...Bellamy, you can't say anything to Clarke."

"You know I won't….but if you're waiting till she makes a move….well, don't forget that Lexa's still on the prowl and…"

I hadn't meant to actually growl, but I couldn't help it. Lexa did not deserve a second chance with Clarke.

"You want her. It's obvious to pretty much everyone but Clarke….which for someone so smart…"

"She doesn't see it because she doesn't think she deserves it." It told him simply, and realized that it was the truth. "You're right, Clarke is never going to ask me out because she doesn't think she stands a chance."

"And she would be wrong."

"So wrong." I grinned at him, then my smirk faltered. "Do you think she likes me back?"

He rolled his eyes at me and shook his head. "Looks like she isn't the only one who doesn't see what's right in front of them. That girl adores you."

My smile broadened. "Really?"

"You're a Blake, how could she deny you?"

"She's right, you are an ass."

He smirked at me. "So she talks about me?"

"Yes, Bellamy, she talks about you." I waited for his smile to widen. "About how obnoxious, annoying, and downright intolerable you are."

"I hate you."

"And I hate you too." I sing-songed as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom.

When I got there, I saw something that I hadn't noticed earlier. It was another GSA pamphlet. "Very funny, Bellamy!" I called down the stairs and knew he heard me when I heard footsteps hurry toward me.

I looked up and saw him leaning in the doorway.

"She may have told me to give that to you."

I frowned and looked at the pamphlet and then at him. "Why? I don't understand."

I flipped through it and noticed it was highlighting the carnival we were going to be putting on as a fundraiser. I looked at it more closely and saw that she had listed who was responsible for what. I knew I had volunteered to run the cotton candy stand, but for the life of me couldn't see why she didn't just tell me that at the meeting the other day.

Bellamy must have taken pity on me because I heard him exhale loudly and suddenly he reached for the paper in my hands. He turned it over and pointed something out to me. I looked at it and my eyes widened in horror.

"There is no way in Hell I am letting her run the kissing booth!" I shrieked over his laughter.

"Can you imagine it? All those girls and boys lining up to kiss her? I already bought five tickets. I'm sure Lexa bought twice as many. But, hey, at least it's a good cause. Right?"

I didn't pay much attention to his annoying cackling as I flew down the stairs, ran out the door and jumped on my bike.

If she was going to kiss the entire school, I had to be first in line. Or you know, something far less cheesy.

I impatiently pounded on her front door only to be greeted by her mother. I looked at her awkwardly, partially because I was embarrassed of all the fantasies I've had of her daughter lately. But mostly, because I despised how she had treated said daughter.

Before I could open my mouth to tell her as much, I was wrapped in a hug that made it hard for me to breath.

"Thank you." She whispered in my ear as he rocked us back and forth.

"For what?"

"Giving me my daughter back." She stated as if I should have known.

"She didn't go anywhere, you did." I hissed out at her before I could catch myself.

She let go of me and regarded me carefully. "That's true." She ushered me inside. "Clarke always seemed like the strong one, I was broken after her dad died and Clarke held us both together. She did such a great job at it that I didn't know how shattered she was by it. I thought I was making it easier on her, working….keeping my mind off things. I thought that if she didn't have to take care of both of us, that she could be a kid again. I didn't know...I had no idea…."

"I already told you that it was okay, Mom. I understand now." Clarke's voice cut in and my eyes found hers. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Anyway, I wanted to say thank you. Clarke opened up and we had a great heart to heart today. " She looked at her daughter and they both smiled together. "Things will be different from now on. I promise. And as I understand it, I have you to thank for it."

"Me? I…."

"Clarke told me everything, honey. And I'm so happy that she's happy."

"Mom!"

"Sorry. I just….." She smiled at me, kissed her daughter and left the room.

"Sorry about that….things got...emotional." She smiled at me. "In a good way." She stepped closer to me. "I'm learning that it's okay not to have to be the strong one all the time."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"She was right, you know." She was impossibly close now. "I have you to thank for that."

I tried to focus on her eyes though I kept glancing at her lips.

"I actually have you to thank as well." I told her. "I came out to my parents tonight and well, I still have a home."

"I hope it went better than just that."

"It went surprisingly well. Actually my Mom said she always knew. Like, how is that possible since I didn't even know I might be into girls until I started obsessing about you last year."

Her jaw dropped and I felt my cheeks heat up. Fudge fuck me to tears, what have I done?

"I mean…."

She cut me off when her lips touched mine. It was delicate, questioning, and far too short.

"Please tell me that is the only kind of kiss you will be giving anyone at the kissing booth next week."

She gnawed at her lips adoringly. "I actually don't plan on kissing anyone else exactly like that...at least, I had hoped that…."

This time I kissed her. And I made sure to make this kiss everything the other one wasn't. It was passionate, certain and long. When I pulled away from her, I stared into her eyes with sincerity.

"I wanted to do that for awhile now, but didn't want you to think that I was the kind of person who pretended to be a friend to get close to you."

"I know you aren't."

"I am your friend. You're my best friend actually." I touched her cheek reverently. "But I don't want to just be your friend. If that's okay?"

Her hand engulfed mine and she smiled in a way that made her eyes shine. "Ask me how I am feeling?"

I smiled at her because if she felt half as amazing as I did right now, then I knew the answer already.

"How are you?

"Content."

It was a simple word, but coming from Clarke I knew it meant everything. Happiness is fleeting. A feeling that comes and goes with your mood or reaction to your surroundings. Contentment is a way of thinking. Of understanding that you will have bad with the good, but that it is okay. It's okay to be sad. To feel overwhelmed or unsure. But to be content means that you are okay with all that you are feeling and that you just want to feel. To truly let it all in and embrace whatever comes your way. Being content in its simplest form just meant that you were happy with what you had. And I smiled, because I had her. And she had me.

In that one word, I understood that Clarke and I were more alike than I ever knew. Because come what may, we didn't need anything more than what we already had. Our family, our friends and most importantly each other. In her, I felt complete. And doesn't everyone deserve to feel whole?


End file.
